Moment by Moment | My Current Daily routine

Another day. It’s 2pm and I’ve finally allowed myself a hit and I feel better. I wonder why I didn’t do this earlier. At this point my time is as good as gone until the next. Every day it’s the same pattern. I try to motivate myself sober and I get nothing but depressed and disappointed. Instead of harming myself like I am driven, I allow myself some weed or an alcoholic beverage and bam! I feel content and capable of handling myself.

I’m not the kind of substance dependent person who can’t stop once they’ve started though. In fact, usually, once I start and get to the point where I feel that contentment I begin working either creatively or physically and I feel so hopeful for a while. Eventually though, usually within three hours or so, it wears off and I become depressed again. At best at this point I’ll take enough THC to comfortably lay down and disappear for another evening, but usually I just lay down and desolate some more of my self identity as well as hopefulness.

In the first few moments of the day, sometimes, when there’s time, I’ll feel that hopefulness too. For a few moments. Usually ten to fifteen minutes on a good day, but it can be as quick at three seconds on average. Then the thoughts come back. The ever revising list of hopes and disappointments and away we go. I either have a social obligation that will keep me from the depths as well as drugs, but as soon as I get my time back again and feel so ready to contribute to my own goals and visions, down I go again. Now it’s time to treat myself because I worked so hard. At best I’ll clean for a while, which I’m not convinced isn’t also a social obligation that my OCD’s has made me accustomed to like satisfying a rule or compulsory trigger. Tidying up. Whether it be myself and my appearance, my home, or my mind space. Then the day is done and I disappear once more.

Day by day, time goes by, and I grow older and more despondent with every moment of this moment.